Still looking

I am still looking. Unfortunately what I'm seeing isn't appealing. Is it me? Am I expecting too much? Maybe but I'm tired of compromising my wants. I have settled for less than what I felt I wanted in my life for so long and I cannot do it anymore. My ex thinks I'm afraid to get into a relationship. He mistakes my commitment to myself with fear because that's how he operates. I am absolutely ready for a real relationship but that requires a man who is also ready. It also requires that he be what I need in my life. The last guy ended up being as big a whiner as my ex-husband. I will not have that in my life. My thought is either do something about the situation that is vexing you or learn to accept it. Neither involves whining.

So I will continue to look but I think I'm ready to expand my life to include activities that may lead me to meet people who are like-minded. I do think I will go sit in on a few meditation groups. It is a passion of mine and I want to share it with whatever partner comes into my life so it might be wonderful if I could meet him there. I just have to get motivated to go. As Anais Nin says (paraphrased) - when the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of change - that's when it will happen.

Mixed Signals

So almost 2 weeks ago, I met a man named John for coffee at the local Barnes & Noble; well, actually, I had tea because it was 7PM after all. So we proceed to sit there and talk non-stop for four hours. Wow, I think; a man who can carrying on an intelligent conversation. We're laughing and enjoying the evening. The store closes so we have to leave. It's awkward, i.e., not comfortable kissing him just yet, so we go to our respective cars and leave. 2 days later I get a short but seemingly sweet email about how he enjoyed meeting me and since it had snowed that morning, hoping that I got to school safely. I'm thinking "nice guy", "possible potential", etc. So I don't hear from him for a few days and think I'll send him a cute little email asking how long he usually waits before he asks a woman out for a second date. It takes him 3 days to reply but when I open it, I'm surprised. First, he argues whether or not "coffee" qualifies as a date. Second, he offers that he thinks we didn't really "click" so he hadn't planned on seeing me again. And I'm left thinking; "What does "clicked" mean to him?".

I am learning, not always easily, but I am learning. Men are so strange.

Another first date

I went on another first date last night. I had my usual moments of anxiety beforehand. I thought about rescheduling it but then I thought, I should get the hell out of the house and away from the teenagers who were making me crazy. And so I did. And I had a great time. His name is John. We met at the local Barnes & Noble for a coffee and conversation. The conversation was wonderful. It was great to engage in an intelligent conversation with a man. It's been so long. We talked for 4 hours. We didn't leave until the store closed. The end of the date was a little awkward. I think he wanted to kiss me but I wasn't ready for that. We didn't make any plans and he didn't say he'd call so I'm just going see what happens. In the meantime, I have plans to meet another man for coffee. Goddess, I hate first dates.