Lessons

The date I had this week was a tremendous lesson for me in so many ways. I realized that by telling him all the "crap" about my life, I was subconsciously trying to scare him off. Well, the good news is it worked. The bad news is that I wasn't being authentic or in my integrity. I disrespected myself because I was uncomfortable with what I was feeling or not feeling for him. I kept making myself wrong because I wasn't attracted to him physically. I can now see that I had stepped back into the mindset of my mother; "Just be happy with what you get". I was raised to think I should be happy with whatever happens to come along and not want too much. Wanting too much in her mind lead to disappointment. She wasn't trying to hurt me. Quite the opposite. She felt she was saving me from the hurt of not getting what I want. But that doesn't have to be my reality now. If I'm not attracted to a nice man, it doesn't matter why. I am just not attracted to him and I can be okay with that.

I did have the opportunity to explain my behavior to him and apologize for not being honest with him. I was appreciative for that. He is an intelligent, spiritual guy who deserves a woman who wants him for him. I'm not her and there is nothing wrong with that. I still have that childhood belief that I'm responsible for others feelings as they relate to my own. I'm not and I need to remind myself of that. I wanted to cancel the date and I went against my instincts. I want to learn to trust that feeling. It's always working in my best interest.

At least I'm learning...

We did dinner

We did dinner at a steak house. I'm a vegetarian. Can you say inappropriate? Actually, I agreed to go because the restaurant we were suppose to meet at wasn't open. Who knew a place on a lake known for summer rentals would be closed on a Wednesday night? I ended up having a small salad and "smashed" potatoes. It was fine. He had scallops. The smell was a little offputting but I survived. His language was significantly better but he's still really short. His profile says 5'7" but he can't be more than 5'4" to 5'5". I had my flipflops on and we seemed to be the same height. I'm just under 5'4". I like talking with him but can't even summon the desire to kiss him. That's not good. I'm intellectually attracted to him but not physically. How do you deal with that??

A successful first date

I went on a first date Friday. We met at a Starbucks for coffee and ended up talking for 2.5 hours. He's intelligent, educated, and open-minded as well as spiritual. All are requirements for me. He's also artistic so that is a huge bonus. I was a little uncomfortable with his use of cursing but I attributed it to nervousness possibly. We are going to meet for dinner tomorrow night so I'll see if that continues. I'm no prude but I really don't appreciate a conversation that is constantly punctuated with "F" this and so on.

I've been corresponding with another man named Brian. At first I was hopeful because he too seemed quite spiritual. I'm now picking up depression vibes from him. I've already done that too many times in my life and while I'm able to empathize, I won't give my energy to that right now. I wouldn't leave someone who found himself experiencing some depression but I won't start a relationship with someone in the throes of a depressive episode. I'm not a therapist and I don't intend to be one to a date. I found that with Rick, the man I dated last year. He was definitely struggling with depression and it felt a lot like my marriage very quickly on in the relationship. I want to share my time with someone who has already done their healing or at least most of it.

So we'll see how it turns out with Stephen. He seems a bit eager for a relationship and that's a little disconcerting but I'm not ready to make a judgment on that. He's probably just lonely. And horny. He's just going to have to wait.

I'm trying again

So I decided now that I'm out of college, well, temporarily at least, that I'd maybe start dating again. And today is that day. I'm meeting a man for coffee at a Starbucks about 30 miles from home. I am starting to get nervous. I hate this first meeting feeling. It's worse than a job interview. I miss the good ole days of meeting a guy in a bar while you're drunk and it's easier to talk to him. ;-)

Alright, no I don't but it should be easier. This one seems like we have a lot in common as far as values and goals go so I'm cautiously hopeful.