Still looking

I am still looking. Unfortunately what I'm seeing isn't appealing. Is it me? Am I expecting too much? Maybe but I'm tired of compromising my wants. I have settled for less than what I felt I wanted in my life for so long and I cannot do it anymore. My ex thinks I'm afraid to get into a relationship. He mistakes my commitment to myself with fear because that's how he operates. I am absolutely ready for a real relationship but that requires a man who is also ready. It also requires that he be what I need in my life. The last guy ended up being as big a whiner as my ex-husband. I will not have that in my life. My thought is either do something about the situation that is vexing you or learn to accept it. Neither involves whining.

So I will continue to look but I think I'm ready to expand my life to include activities that may lead me to meet people who are like-minded. I do think I will go sit in on a few meditation groups. It is a passion of mine and I want to share it with whatever partner comes into my life so it might be wonderful if I could meet him there. I just have to get motivated to go. As Anais Nin says (paraphrased) - when the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of change - that's when it will happen.

Mixed Signals

So almost 2 weeks ago, I met a man named John for coffee at the local Barnes & Noble; well, actually, I had tea because it was 7PM after all. So we proceed to sit there and talk non-stop for four hours. Wow, I think; a man who can carrying on an intelligent conversation. We're laughing and enjoying the evening. The store closes so we have to leave. It's awkward, i.e., not comfortable kissing him just yet, so we go to our respective cars and leave. 2 days later I get a short but seemingly sweet email about how he enjoyed meeting me and since it had snowed that morning, hoping that I got to school safely. I'm thinking "nice guy", "possible potential", etc. So I don't hear from him for a few days and think I'll send him a cute little email asking how long he usually waits before he asks a woman out for a second date. It takes him 3 days to reply but when I open it, I'm surprised. First, he argues whether or not "coffee" qualifies as a date. Second, he offers that he thinks we didn't really "click" so he hadn't planned on seeing me again. And I'm left thinking; "What does "clicked" mean to him?".

I am learning, not always easily, but I am learning. Men are so strange.

Another first date

I went on another first date last night. I had my usual moments of anxiety beforehand. I thought about rescheduling it but then I thought, I should get the hell out of the house and away from the teenagers who were making me crazy. And so I did. And I had a great time. His name is John. We met at the local Barnes & Noble for a coffee and conversation. The conversation was wonderful. It was great to engage in an intelligent conversation with a man. It's been so long. We talked for 4 hours. We didn't leave until the store closed. The end of the date was a little awkward. I think he wanted to kiss me but I wasn't ready for that. We didn't make any plans and he didn't say he'd call so I'm just going see what happens. In the meantime, I have plans to meet another man for coffee. Goddess, I hate first dates.

More misadventures

The writer from Enfield waited most of the week to try to connect with me again and again, it was at like 11PM. I'm thinking that if he can't make time for a phone call during the normal hours of the day, how the hell is he going to find time for a relationship? I think that one's dead in the water. He's reminding me of my ex and that is not good.

I have been emailing a couple of older men but don't think either of them are likely prospects. One is a single man who lives about 30 miles north of me. He's got a BS in psychology but couldn't spell his major. That gives me pause as to his mental acquity.

The other is in his mid-50's and seems to be extremely anal. He wanted me to call him so I said ok but then he felt he needed to know exactly when I was going to call so he wanted me to leave him a message while he was at work to tell him when I would call later in the day. I tried and his answering machine was full but I did get to hear his outgoing message. It was either a decade old and his son a toddler at the time or his son behaves younger than his 12 years. It was strange. I haven't called.

A fourth man, a 41 yr old with the hot body, hasn't replied to my last email. DAMN! He's one I would like to meet for coffee.

Finally, I saw the most recent ex this week. He's not such an ex any more and we are probably going out tonight. I'm so confused. I must figure this mess out - after tonight. :-}

Dateless

I was dateless this weekend so I spent some time searching the profiles on match.com. There are some interesting men out there. I sent off some winks and even emailed a couple that had responsed to winks earlier. Only time will tell if any of this pans out.

Searching

So I've been searching on match.com. There are a few men who seem nice, intelligent, humorous, and attractive. It just sucks so bad to be in this position. I'm a good person - why can't I find Mr. Wonderful??

I did connect with a writer from Enfield last night. We are planning to talk by phone this weekend. He doesn't like to write his communications. :-) What's that about? He's a writer. I love email and think it's a great way to talk in the beginning and then later, to connect on a more intimate level. But that's me. I'll play along for now. The only issue I have with him right now is his name; Tim. I hate dating men who's names rhyme with mine. Four years of "Jim and Kim" was enough for me. Plus, everytime I got to type the name "Tim", I inevitably write Time instead. I don't know why. But it's such a small thing. I'm not that picky.

Every time I did a search on match.com last weekend and the beginning of this week, Rick came up as the first match. It was really unnerving but for some reason, I wasn't ready to block him. I have now. I want to move on. I have to. He's not ready for a relationship and even if he was, he's not the man for me, regardless of how nice he is and how incredible a lover he was. I'm sure there are other men who will fit into that category. Well, I pray there is.

The semi-paraplegic stood me up

I'm fairly new to the mid-life dating scene and let me tell you, I am not having fun. Wasn't I supposed to meet Prince Charming in my 20's and be adored ever after? What the hell happened?

Tonight I set up a first date on match.com with a man named Joe. He's semi-paraplegic but I am an open-minded individual who believes you have to judge a person on their merits, not their deficits. I wasn't at all concerned that he's lost use of his lower legs. So off I go to the local Barnes & Noble so we can meet over a cup of overpriced coffee. I raced home from work to change my clothes and freshen up. I realized as I was changing that my monthly cycle had decided to make an early arrival so really, I just wanted to crawl into bed and be with my 3 friends; bitchy, cranky, & bloated. But no, I had a made a commitment to meet this man and didn't want him to think I was rejecting him (and his disability) if I rescheduled our first date. Nope, not me. I am all about living up to my commitments. I stood in the drizzle or was getting dripped on from the overhang. So I went inside thinking he'd thought better of meeting outside. I searched the tables for a single man with either crutches or a wheelchair. Not a one. So back outside I go. I wait a few more minutes and then decided to text his cell. I sat in my car waiting for a reply. It didn't come so I'm now home and he has a slightly irate email waiting for him.

I had a sense of dread hit me as I was leaving work this afternoon. My last relationship (of about 2 months) had just ended two days ago. Why was I doing this? What was the hurry? Maybe he wasn't so bad and I could call him to say I've changed my mind - great sex is enough and I can wait while you get over your divorce from 4 years ago. But I didn't. I decided I am worth more than this. Besides, it was beginning to feel like the dysfunctional relationships of my teens and twenties. Yuck.

Still, first dates are horrible. It's like going on job interview after job interview, never getting the job. I hate it. Can't Mr. Wonderful just knock on my door and let this all be over?? Plus, how do you do this as a single mother? I don't know how to handle the fine points of "having a life" when my teenagers think I was put on this earth to serve them and only them.

So I thought writing about my adventures in dating might help me gain some clarity and if not, find a way to laugh about it.