Is it time again?

I'm beginning to feel like it's time to date again. I'm so ambivalent about it. I've been on my own for so long and I don't like the idea of someone else expecting me to call at a certain time, be available whenever, run things by them, etc. I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to have a full-time relationship. I'm not sure I want one. I would like to have someone to spend time with, have fun with, and all the other goodies but on my terms. Oh, I sound like a guy. I've just been independent for so long that sharing my life seems so difficult now. Time will tell, won't it?

Trying again

I gave up on match.com. The men that were contacting me just didn't do it for me. So I cancelled the service and now I'm trying a free site called plentyoffish.com. I'm probably going to get what I pay for but it won't hurt to try. I signed up yesterday and I've already gotten about 10 emails. Either the men on this site are more desperate or friendlier. I'm going with the latter.

What will the future bring????

No courage

He has not replied. I'm more convinced than before that he was really drunk when he decided to email me and that's why he didn't recognize me. How bizarre!

Since then, my daughter went on a date with his nephew and she's not interested. The nephew is having a hard time accepting no for an answer. Oh well. The saga continues. . . 

Sort of quiet

I've been receiving a few emails but no dates. Well, that's not true. I did have a date scheduled for last Sunday afternoon but I cancelled. After the last disaster, I don't think I was ready. He seemed to understand and said we'll get together after his vacation this week. I am emailing another guy but he doesn't seem too interested in meeting in person and I'm ok with that. He seems a little depressed or at the very least, boring.

A funny thing happened last night though. I got an email through match.com from a former boyfriend that I dated like 25+ years ago. The email was written like he didn't know who I was. I'm thinking he was A. drunk as hell B. lying C. really fried in the head. How could he look at my profile with my picture on it and not know who I was? I just saw him at a benefit for his brother-in-law 2 weeks ago. I restrained myself when I wrote back. We'll see if he has the courage to reply to my email.

Lessons

The date I had this week was a tremendous lesson for me in so many ways. I realized that by telling him all the "crap" about my life, I was subconsciously trying to scare him off. Well, the good news is it worked. The bad news is that I wasn't being authentic or in my integrity. I disrespected myself because I was uncomfortable with what I was feeling or not feeling for him. I kept making myself wrong because I wasn't attracted to him physically. I can now see that I had stepped back into the mindset of my mother; "Just be happy with what you get". I was raised to think I should be happy with whatever happens to come along and not want too much. Wanting too much in her mind lead to disappointment. She wasn't trying to hurt me. Quite the opposite. She felt she was saving me from the hurt of not getting what I want. But that doesn't have to be my reality now. If I'm not attracted to a nice man, it doesn't matter why. I am just not attracted to him and I can be okay with that.

I did have the opportunity to explain my behavior to him and apologize for not being honest with him. I was appreciative for that. He is an intelligent, spiritual guy who deserves a woman who wants him for him. I'm not her and there is nothing wrong with that. I still have that childhood belief that I'm responsible for others feelings as they relate to my own. I'm not and I need to remind myself of that. I wanted to cancel the date and I went against my instincts. I want to learn to trust that feeling. It's always working in my best interest.

At least I'm learning...

We did dinner

We did dinner at a steak house. I'm a vegetarian. Can you say inappropriate? Actually, I agreed to go because the restaurant we were suppose to meet at wasn't open. Who knew a place on a lake known for summer rentals would be closed on a Wednesday night? I ended up having a small salad and "smashed" potatoes. It was fine. He had scallops. The smell was a little offputting but I survived. His language was significantly better but he's still really short. His profile says 5'7" but he can't be more than 5'4" to 5'5". I had my flipflops on and we seemed to be the same height. I'm just under 5'4". I like talking with him but can't even summon the desire to kiss him. That's not good. I'm intellectually attracted to him but not physically. How do you deal with that??

A successful first date

I went on a first date Friday. We met at a Starbucks for coffee and ended up talking for 2.5 hours. He's intelligent, educated, and open-minded as well as spiritual. All are requirements for me. He's also artistic so that is a huge bonus. I was a little uncomfortable with his use of cursing but I attributed it to nervousness possibly. We are going to meet for dinner tomorrow night so I'll see if that continues. I'm no prude but I really don't appreciate a conversation that is constantly punctuated with "F" this and so on.

I've been corresponding with another man named Brian. At first I was hopeful because he too seemed quite spiritual. I'm now picking up depression vibes from him. I've already done that too many times in my life and while I'm able to empathize, I won't give my energy to that right now. I wouldn't leave someone who found himself experiencing some depression but I won't start a relationship with someone in the throes of a depressive episode. I'm not a therapist and I don't intend to be one to a date. I found that with Rick, the man I dated last year. He was definitely struggling with depression and it felt a lot like my marriage very quickly on in the relationship. I want to share my time with someone who has already done their healing or at least most of it.

So we'll see how it turns out with Stephen. He seems a bit eager for a relationship and that's a little disconcerting but I'm not ready to make a judgment on that. He's probably just lonely. And horny. He's just going to have to wait.

I'm trying again

So I decided now that I'm out of college, well, temporarily at least, that I'd maybe start dating again. And today is that day. I'm meeting a man for coffee at a Starbucks about 30 miles from home. I am starting to get nervous. I hate this first meeting feeling. It's worse than a job interview. I miss the good ole days of meeting a guy in a bar while you're drunk and it's easier to talk to him. ;-)

Alright, no I don't but it should be easier. This one seems like we have a lot in common as far as values and goals go so I'm cautiously hopeful.

My hiatus

So in my dating hiatus, I've graduated college with a BA in Art and have been accepted to a MFA program for Graphic Design. I'm really looking forward to learning more about my chosen career field.

I'm wondering if I'm ready to try again. My ex from last fall got back in touch with me just before graduation but I remembered how boring he was so I passed on getting back together. I do miss kissing and cuddling though. I am thinking about getting back on match.com or even trying eHarmony. I would like to meet someone with a passion for life. Does that exist in this world? Sometimes I think I'm deluding myself by believing that there are spiritual, intelligent, funny men my age who are still sexy. Goddess I hope not!

Taking a break

I have decided to take a break from online dating. The type of men that have been contacting me have left a lot to be desired. I really don't think I'm going to meet the quality individual that I want to attract into my life through the typical online dating site. Most of them can't spell, are of the Christian faith, and even with an education, strike me as challenged in the intellectual area. I have been disappointed to say the least.

So hopefully, I will step out of my comfort zone and start getting involved in things where I'm more likely to meet people of like-mind. There are a few groups locally that have regular meditation sittings and I plan to go to more art activities.

Winks

I'm still on match.com and have received a couple of winks. They look like decent guys so I winked back. We'll see if they are the kind of men I want to get to know.

I'm only staying on there until the end of this month. The quality of men that are subscribed is just not in keeping with who I want to meet. I'm looking for someone who shares my desire to open my mind to new spiritual and intellectual concepts and to work toward a better world for all. Most of the match.com participants are stuck in the Judeo-Christian/Islamic paradigm and that just doesn't work for me.