Lessons

The date I had this week was a tremendous lesson for me in so many ways. I realized that by telling him all the "crap" about my life, I was subconsciously trying to scare him off. Well, the good news is it worked. The bad news is that I wasn't being authentic or in my integrity. I disrespected myself because I was uncomfortable with what I was feeling or not feeling for him. I kept making myself wrong because I wasn't attracted to him physically. I can now see that I had stepped back into the mindset of my mother; "Just be happy with what you get". I was raised to think I should be happy with whatever happens to come along and not want too much. Wanting too much in her mind lead to disappointment. She wasn't trying to hurt me. Quite the opposite. She felt she was saving me from the hurt of not getting what I want. But that doesn't have to be my reality now. If I'm not attracted to a nice man, it doesn't matter why. I am just not attracted to him and I can be okay with that.

I did have the opportunity to explain my behavior to him and apologize for not being honest with him. I was appreciative for that. He is an intelligent, spiritual guy who deserves a woman who wants him for him. I'm not her and there is nothing wrong with that. I still have that childhood belief that I'm responsible for others feelings as they relate to my own. I'm not and I need to remind myself of that. I wanted to cancel the date and I went against my instincts. I want to learn to trust that feeling. It's always working in my best interest.

At least I'm learning...